Goddamn foolery.

I haven't written in a while, but I found myself suddenly struck with the urge to write. (Although I'm sure the only people who actually read this are my aunt Susie, and maybe, just maybe, my mother.) Nothing much has been going on lately; since I've last written I've gotten my permit, gone though a semester of prison...I mean school...and my hair may have grown a little. Actually, I've gone through more than that--I've decided to stop being a vegeterian(I'll get to that later) and have made contact with my father's side of the family via party. This party was about a month ago, the day before Spring Break. My aunt from Boston was hosting a party with all of her old friends at my Grandma's (also being my Dad's...and his step brother's) house. I was talked into going by Jorge and my mom, and in the back of my mind I thought it would be a good idea to try to connect again. (Pssst! Press play on the youtube thing below. I can't wait for that album!) Going into this head on, I knew it would involve a large amount of awkward moments, shame, and many small panic attacks. My past with this side of the family is messy, as most know, and I feel horribly guilty for shutting myself off from them for five years. I don't know why but when I was younger, being with them, in their world, for just a few days would make me cringe in my skin and leave me depressed. They're not horrible, they've done nothing technically wrong, but what they have done is shoved me against my will into a world I find unbearably uncomfortable. It doesn't sound too horrible, but it definately messed with my security in myself and the world, possibly turning me into this wonderful depressed wreck I am today.
Jorge attended this fiasco with me; which made it significantly less awkward. I don't think I could have gone without him. Upon arival, I recieved many blank stares; I awknowleged a few people and they just stood and stared. As the evening went on, I became able to make a normal conversation without my mind freezing up.
Every year, my grandparents plan some extravagant vacation; Disneyworld, Hawaii, that sort of thing. The whole family goes. While at this party, this year's vacation was brought up with Jorge and I. They explained that they were going to go to Colarado for two weeks, and "WE could choose the days WE wanted to go, and WE could fly out and join them whenever WE wanted." Now, I may have made some mistake seeing as I am socially incapable, but I assumed that, as they were speaking to our faces, the "WE" was Jorge and I. I gave this trip some serious consideration for a few weeks. I was reluctant to go to that party, and somehow I survived so maybe a vacation on my terms, with Jorge wouldn't be so bad. Jorge and I began planning around our summer schedule. Before we got too far ahead with our planning I called my grandmother to confirm the dates. Over the phone I said, "At the party I was under the impression that Jorge could come to." I didn't tell her we were coming for sure, I just said we were looking into it.
And this was the response; "Wellll, it's a family thing." .....its a family thing? Not even a real "no".
Sitting in the aftermath, at first I was humiliated, thinking I misunderstood or got something mixed up in my twisted thoughts. As I thought about it more, I replayed the conversations at the party in my head and couldn't find a flaw in my reason for thinking. Then the anger set in. It was a trick. A low, sly, trick. Just like them, I should have known. They haven't seen me since I was 11 (I'll be 16 in 3 months) and they expect me, ME, alone, by myself, to go and spend a week with the whole damn family? You have got to be kidding. No way in hell would I do that. Granted, they don't know me well, but how could you expect that of anyone? For someone to throw themselves out there with people they ran away from absolutly alone with no support or anyone to find comfort in? Sitting here thinking, I just keep getting angrier. A flat out Tatman scheme, and it took me this long to realize it.
I feel horrible writing about this, I'm not confrontational, but holy shit.
I gave them too much credit; I gave my relationship with them a new, fair chance. And then they pull this. Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems pretty fucking clear to me.
THIS uncomfort is what I ran from. There is absolutly no way I'm about to go back.