I'm not sure I've ever been happier.

July 4th, 2010, may have been one of the best days of my life <3


It started with a dress. A lucky dress.
And ended with a smile that made my heart melt just a little bit.

Eminem understands.

"So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it."


He couldn't have created his new album at a greater time.

I don't know what to title this.
I don't even know what to say.
The last month of my life has been hell.
Jorge cheated on me.
Lied about it straight to my face for 10 months.
I found out, via a stranger, forgave him, and stayed.
He left.
I booked a flight to Colorado for the next day, just to get away. I'm a runner.
Dyed my hair blonde.
He came back, said he loved me and he'll never make the mistake of leaving again.
I believed him.
He left again.
And now he's gone for good, not so much that it's his decision, but mine.
And now I'm home, sitting in my room for the first time.
I've gone through a million moods this week. But here, I think, is my final perspective;
This is a good thing. I am a person who will keep every promise I make, regardless of the circumstances. I never would have left, and I honestly believe that. I would have stuck it out forever. But I didn't get to make that decision, and he pushed me out into this scary thing I've decided to call freedom, and god damn it, I am going to have some fun with it. Although its not what I would have chosen, this is a good thing :) I'm going to live the hell out of this summer. I am DONE being told what to do, or who I can hang out with, or when I can go out....anything. Fucking done.
So, basically, an update was all this is.
Brace yourself for reading the works of a new person.

"YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FATHOM THE IMMENSITY OF THE FUCK THAT I DO NOT GIVE."

Things on my mind.

1. I hate blogger. I don't have any followers and I'm only following like 2 people because my computer is screwed up so everytime a box pops up, it doesn't allow me to scroll down, therefor not allowing me to complete the "follow" process. So I feel very alone on here, and feel like I'm preaching to an empty room. I made an Xanga account, thinking it might be different, but not really. It's basically just mypace in specific categories.

2. Today I was just sitting, minding my own business, and a tiny fly flew in front of my face. Out of instinct, I reached out to smack it....and I did. The poor guy turned into an explosion of guts and blood, (there was an unusal amount of blood for a small fly..) breaking my heart. I felt horrible afterwards. And when another fly came around me, I just let him be. I'm not really sure what the lesson learned here is.

3. I have deleted a number of people off of facebook. A minority of the deletes can be better understood when you read #4, and rest are my own family members, because my mom gets her panties in a knot anytime I say something, like something, comment something, or have any association with anything that someone could interpret as being "inappropriate", because of how they will judge me/or her, more so. (I hate that. I am my own person. I am not dictated or ruled by anyone, despite the attempts. I'm not a baby, I'm going to do what I do no matter how others try to sway me. So my mother, who is a perfectly fine mother, shouldn't get any judgement or heat for any minor thing I decide to do.) Back to the panties in a knot...Sure, this is a perfectly motherly/old thing to do, I don't blame her at all, but I'm so sick of it, so those people are gone. And this goes right along with the enormous fakeness (hah, or "decency") I have around any extended family memeber or adult. I'm a kid. In fact, I'm a teeanger. And as being so, I think it should be expected that every now and then I might find the "Huge Cock" group on facebook funny and decide to "like" it. It's hilarious in fact, that some kids would be sitting around and decide to make such a group. Nothing too specific, not a group identifying themselves in any way but their title. Huge Cock. And I don't feel like I should have to justify my childish and "vulgar" behavior to anyone, so hasta la vista. I have my whole life to be a "classy" woman, so I am taking this time to outwardly enjoy humor from any angle or form.
My facebook is reserved only for others who share in the hilarity of horrifying vulgarity as I do.

4. I hate girls my age. Always have, and I'm almost positive that I always will. Such bitches. I know I'm not always extra charming myself, but I don't get all up in other people face's and business concearning petty "drama" and juvenile bullshit. In fact, I am normally quite the connoisseur in the art of keeping to myself. All this drama is because I made the mistake of being associated with girls who breathe attention.
If I even BEGAN to tell anyone about the stories of my highschool nightmares in the past 2 weeks, it would take hours. Point is, bitches don't scare me. (hahah, I always wanted to say that..."Hell nah bitch, you don kno me!" But really, they don't. Especially people I've never even talked to or know. And furthermore, ESPECIALLY people who think they are such badasses and are going to jump in the middle of any conflict they see. They are pathetic, immiture, and not worth a bum's time.
"Honey, go continue smoking your lungs out and have a nice visit with your "fiancee" in jail, and get your overpowdered ogre nose out of my life." Thats just a small snippet of what I'd LOVE to say, and just to one of the many, but now that thats said and done....

5.Thank GOD I only have 3 more days of school. Hell yes. I hate williams. As one of my friends has said, "Williams makes me want to pull my hairs out one by one with tweezers." I second that. Williams makes me want to create huge gashes all over my body, then jump in a pool of rubbing alcohol and puranas....the graphic references of what Williams makes me want to do, and the many horrible things I would rather do than go to Williams go on and onnn.

6. The movie Elizabethtown, for whatever reason, is the movie of all time, that has stuck with me the most. It was the first movie I loved, that I was obsessed with and watch again and again. It's not an action film, or a romance film, or a chickflick...it really fits in it's own category. It's just a movie about....life. And as most find it dreadfully boring (I belive Jorge fell asleep when I tried to get him to watch it with me.) I find it utterly amazing. Most of my all time favorite quotes came from Drew Baylor, or more likely, the genius who created the mind of Drew Baylor.
Here are some;
*"There's a diffrence between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic propotions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to other's to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them."

"Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room."

"What they say is, it *will* hit you, it could be ten minutes or it could be ten years from now."

"You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this! [kisses Claire]"

"No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also... life"



7. I love the blog title. Worded so nicely.

"Christianityyyyyy!"

I have followed Tyler oakley around on youtube for about 2 years now. He cracks me up! And I agree with everything he has to say here.

The Jack and Jill dilema.

Anybody who knows me well, knows I have one of the most hygenically challenged and generally foul sisters in the world. On a previous blog, you can read about the underwear issues, which, still to this day, has not been completely resolved.
Maddie and I have a Jack & Jill bathroom situation.
Here is a diagram I have drawn;


So, being in the shared bathroom area, there is a door to her room and mine. The lock on the door to her room has been broken since I can remember, (Guess who broke it...) so I can't lock her out if I wanted to. But everyday, she goes to the bathroom, locks the door, and doesn't have the consideration to unlock it when she leaves, therefore locking me out. Like the underwear and other annoyances, this has been going on forever, and nobody will do anthing about it, so today, I DID.
This morning I woke up, needing to go to the bathroom, and ran into the familiar frusteration of being locked out. I tried to go through her room, but she had locked her door as well and was dead asleep. So there I was, 7 am, standing in the hallway, completely locked out. As you can imagine, I was pissed. She is the laziest person I have ever known; I am constantly having to wake her up from in front of the tv, turn the tv off, get her in bed, turn the lights off....and I don't do this happily. I am disgusted that someone of her age is still completely incapable of the smallest responsibilities.
So today, she was with a friend, Andy was at work, and Kellan & my parents were sleeping. During this time, I snuck downstairs, got all the tools I needed, snuck back upstaris, and proceeded in unscrewing the doorknob, completely taking it apart, putting it back together, and turning it around...so that the locking part would be on my side of the door. It was quite the task, seeing as I am not very handy with screws and tools and doors.....but I did it. Afterwards, I was very pleased with myself, gloating even. Hours later, while Maddie was bitching at me from her room, she walks in the bathroom and after afew minutes, realizes that the lock is on my side. She freaked out, cussed me out, and ran downstairs to tattle, soon running back up telling me that, "Mom says you're not allowed to." She yells at me some more, and in my safely double locked room, I just turn my headphones way up.
At this point, I don't care. It's done. Anyone is welcome to turn it around, but I will eventually counteract that again. And I'm not too worried about that, she's too lazy to even attempt it. I am sick and tired of having to be responisble for her laziness, immiturity, and just flat out inconsiderate stupidity and her lacking in simple responsibility of self. Wow, I feel like a mother. (And from this point forward, I will have empathy for my mother until something screws that up.)
NOBODY should have to have to be toiletless becasue someone is too lazy and inconsiderate to twist and unlock a doorknob. Good thing I won't have to be anymore.

I am so unhappy.

The anxiety is killing me.

Goddamn foolery.

I haven't written in a while, but I found myself suddenly struck with the urge to write. (Although I'm sure the only people who actually read this are my aunt Susie, and maybe, just maybe, my mother.) Nothing much has been going on lately; since I've last written I've gotten my permit, gone though a semester of prison...I mean school...and my hair may have grown a little. Actually, I've gone through more than that--I've decided to stop being a vegeterian(I'll get to that later) and have made contact with my father's side of the family via party. This party was about a month ago, the day before Spring Break. My aunt from Boston was hosting a party with all of her old friends at my Grandma's (also being my Dad's...and his step brother's) house. I was talked into going by Jorge and my mom, and in the back of my mind I thought it would be a good idea to try to connect again. (Pssst! Press play on the youtube thing below. I can't wait for that album!) Going into this head on, I knew it would involve a large amount of awkward moments, shame, and many small panic attacks. My past with this side of the family is messy, as most know, and I feel horribly guilty for shutting myself off from them for five years. I don't know why but when I was younger, being with them, in their world, for just a few days would make me cringe in my skin and leave me depressed. They're not horrible, they've done nothing technically wrong, but what they have done is shoved me against my will into a world I find unbearably uncomfortable. It doesn't sound too horrible, but it definately messed with my security in myself and the world, possibly turning me into this wonderful depressed wreck I am today.
Jorge attended this fiasco with me; which made it significantly less awkward. I don't think I could have gone without him. Upon arival, I recieved many blank stares; I awknowleged a few people and they just stood and stared. As the evening went on, I became able to make a normal conversation without my mind freezing up.
Every year, my grandparents plan some extravagant vacation; Disneyworld, Hawaii, that sort of thing. The whole family goes. While at this party, this year's vacation was brought up with Jorge and I. They explained that they were going to go to Colarado for two weeks, and "WE could choose the days WE wanted to go, and WE could fly out and join them whenever WE wanted." Now, I may have made some mistake seeing as I am socially incapable, but I assumed that, as they were speaking to our faces, the "WE" was Jorge and I. I gave this trip some serious consideration for a few weeks. I was reluctant to go to that party, and somehow I survived so maybe a vacation on my terms, with Jorge wouldn't be so bad. Jorge and I began planning around our summer schedule. Before we got too far ahead with our planning I called my grandmother to confirm the dates. Over the phone I said, "At the party I was under the impression that Jorge could come to." I didn't tell her we were coming for sure, I just said we were looking into it.
And this was the response; "Wellll, it's a family thing." .....its a family thing? Not even a real "no".
Sitting in the aftermath, at first I was humiliated, thinking I misunderstood or got something mixed up in my twisted thoughts. As I thought about it more, I replayed the conversations at the party in my head and couldn't find a flaw in my reason for thinking. Then the anger set in. It was a trick. A low, sly, trick. Just like them, I should have known. They haven't seen me since I was 11 (I'll be 16 in 3 months) and they expect me, ME, alone, by myself, to go and spend a week with the whole damn family? You have got to be kidding. No way in hell would I do that. Granted, they don't know me well, but how could you expect that of anyone? For someone to throw themselves out there with people they ran away from absolutly alone with no support or anyone to find comfort in? Sitting here thinking, I just keep getting angrier. A flat out Tatman scheme, and it took me this long to realize it.
I feel horrible writing about this, I'm not confrontational, but holy shit.
I gave them too much credit; I gave my relationship with them a new, fair chance. And then they pull this. Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems pretty fucking clear to me.
THIS uncomfort is what I ran from. There is absolutly no way I'm about to go back.