Ashley's Thoughts

I'm not sure I've ever been happier.

2010-07-05T00:13:00.000-07:00

July 4th, 2010, may have been one of the best days of my life <3

It started with a dress. A lucky dress.
And ended with a smile that made my heart melt just a little bit.

Eminem understands.

2010-06-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

"So after a year and 6 months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen, so fuck it."

He couldn't have created his new album at a greater time.

2010-06-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to title this.
I don't even know what to say.
The last month of my life has been hell.
Jorge cheated on me.
Lied about it straight to my face for 10 months.
I found out, via a stranger, forgave him, and stayed.
He left.
I booked a flight to Colorado for the next day, just to get away. I'm a runner.
Dyed my hair blonde.
He came back, said he loved me and he'll never make the mistake of leaving again.
I believed him.
He left again.
And now he's gone for good, not so much that it's his decision, but mine.
And now I'm home, sitting in my room for the first time.
I've gone through a million moods this week. But here, I think, is my final perspective;
This is a good thing. I am a person who will keep every promise I make, regardless of the circumstances. I never would have left, and I honestly believe that. I would have stuck it out forever. But I didn't get to make that decision, and he pushed me out into this scary thing I've decided to call freedom, and god damn it, I am going to have some fun with it. Although its not what I would have chosen, this is a good thing :) I'm going to live the hell out of this summer. I am DONE being told what to do, or who I can hang out with, or when I can go out....anything. Fucking done.
So, basically, an update was all this is.
Brace yourself for reading the works of a new person.

"YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FATHOM THE IMMENSITY OF THE FUCK THAT I DO NOT GIVE."

2010-05-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

Things on my mind.

1. I hate blogger. I don't have any followers and I'm only following like 2 people because my computer is screwed up so everytime a box pops up, it doesn't allow me to scroll down, therefor not allowing me to complete the "follow" process. So I feel very alone on here, and feel like I'm preaching to an empty room. I made an Xanga account, thinking it might be different, but not really. It's basically just mypace in specific categories.

2. Today I was just sitting, minding my own business, and a tiny fly flew in front of my face. Out of instinct, I reached out to smack it....and I did. The poor guy turned into an explosion of guts and blood, (there was an unusal amount of blood for a small fly..) breaking my heart. I felt horrible afterwards. And when another fly came around me, I just let him be. I'm not really sure what the lesson learned here is.

3. I have deleted a number of people off of facebook. A minority of the deletes can be better understood when you read #4, and rest are my own family members, because my mom gets her panties in a knot anytime I say something, like something, comment something, or have any association with anything that someone could interpret as being "inappropriate", because of how they will judge me/or her, more so. (I hate that. I am my own person. I am not dictated or ruled by anyone, despite the attempts. I'm not a baby, I'm going to do what I do no matter how others try to sway me. So my mother, who is a perfectly fine mother, shouldn't get any judgement or heat for any minor thing I decide to do.) Back to the panties in a knot...Sure, this is a perfectly motherly/old thing to do, I don't blame her at all, but I'm so sick of it, so those people are gone. And this goes right along with the enormous fakeness (hah, or "decency") I have around any extended family memeber or adult. I'm a kid. In fact, I'm a teeanger. And as being so, I think it should be expected that every now and then I might find the "Huge Cock" group on facebook funny and decide to "like" it. It's hilarious in fact, that some kids would be sitting around and decide to make such a group. Nothing too specific, not a group identifying themselves in any way but their title. Huge Cock. And I don't feel like I should have to justify my childish and "vulgar" behavior to anyone, so hasta la vista. I have my whole life to be a "classy" woman, so I am taking this time to outwardly enjoy humor from any angle or form.
My facebook is reserved only for others who share in the hilarity of horrifying vulgarity as I do.

4. I hate girls my age. Always have, and I'm almost positive that I always will. Such bitches. I know I'm not always extra charming myself, but I don't get all up in other people face's and business concearning petty "drama" and juvenile bullshit. In fact, I am normally quite the connoisseur in the art of keeping to myself. All this drama is because I made the mistake of being associated with girls who breathe attention.
If I even BEGAN to tell anyone about the stories of my highschool nightmares in the past 2 weeks, it would take hours. Point is, bitches don't scare me. (hahah, I always wanted to say that..."Hell nah bitch, you don kno me!" But really, they don't. Especially people I've never even talked to or know. And furthermore, ESPECIALLY people who think they are such badasses and are going to jump in the middle of any conflict they see. They are pathetic, immiture, and not worth a bum's time.
"Honey, go continue smoking your lungs out and have a nice visit with your "fiancee" in jail, and get your overpowdered ogre nose out of my life." Thats just a small snippet of what I'd LOVE to say, and just to one of the many, but now that thats said and done....

5.Thank GOD I only have 3 more days of school. Hell yes. I hate williams. As one of my friends has said, "Williams makes me want to pull my hairs out one by one with tweezers." I second that. Williams makes me want to create huge gashes all over my body, then jump in a pool of rubbing alcohol and puranas....the graphic references of what Williams makes me want to do, and the many horrible things I would rather do than go to Williams go on and onnn.

6. The movie Elizabethtown, for whatever reason, is the movie of all time, that has stuck with me the most. It was the first movie I loved, that I was obsessed with and watch again and again. It's not an action film, or a romance film, or a chickflick...it really fits in it's own category. It's just a movie about....life. And as most find it dreadfully boring (I belive Jorge fell asleep when I tried to get him to watch it with me.) I find it utterly amazing. Most of my all time favorite quotes came from Drew Baylor, or more likely, the genius who created the mind of Drew Baylor.
Here are some;
*"There's a diffrence between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic propotions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to other's to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them."

"Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room."

"What they say is, it *will* hit you, it could be ten minutes or it could be ten years from now."

"You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this! [kisses Claire]"

"No true fiasco ever began as a quest for mere adequacy. A motto of the British Special Air Force is: 'Those who risk, win.' A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement. The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody on it's quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream against the current, with a single purpose, sex of course, but also... life"

7. I love the blog title. Worded so nicely.

"Christianityyyyyy!"

2010-05-22T14:03:00.001-07:00

I have followed Tyler oakley around on youtube for about 2 years now. He cracks me up! And I agree with everything he has to say here.

The Jack and Jill dilema.

2010-05-16T20:11:00.001-07:00

Anybody who knows me well, knows I have one of the most hygenically challenged and generally foul sisters in the world. On a previous blog, you can read about the underwear issues, which, still to this day, has not been completely resolved.
Maddie and I have a Jack & Jill bathroom situation.
Here is a diagram I have drawn;

So, being in the shared bathroom area, there is a door to her room and mine. The lock on the door to her room has been broken since I can remember, (Guess who broke it...) so I can't lock her out if I wanted to. But everyday, she goes to the bathroom, locks the door, and doesn't have the consideration to unlock it when she leaves, therefore locking me out. Like the underwear and other annoyances, this has been going on forever, and nobody will do anthing about it, so today, I DID.
This morning I woke up, needing to go to the bathroom, and ran into the familiar frusteration of being locked out. I tried to go through her room, but she had locked her door as well and was dead asleep. So there I was, 7 am, standing in the hallway, completely locked out. As you can imagine, I was pissed. She is the laziest person I have ever known; I am constantly having to wake her up from in front of the tv, turn the tv off, get her in bed, turn the lights off....and I don't do this happily. I am disgusted that someone of her age is still completely incapable of the smallest responsibilities.
So today, she was with a friend, Andy was at work, and Kellan & my parents were sleeping. During this time, I snuck downstairs, got all the tools I needed, snuck back upstaris, and proceeded in unscrewing the doorknob, completely taking it apart, putting it back together, and turning it around...so that the locking part would be on my side of the door. It was quite the task, seeing as I am not very handy with screws and tools and doors.....but I did it. Afterwards, I was very pleased with myself, gloating even. Hours later, while Maddie was bitching at me from her room, she walks in the bathroom and after afew minutes, realizes that the lock is on my side. She freaked out, cussed me out, and ran downstairs to tattle, soon running back up telling me that, "Mom says you're not allowed to." She yells at me some more, and in my safely double locked room, I just turn my headphones way up.
At this point, I don't care. It's done. Anyone is welcome to turn it around, but I will eventually counteract that again. And I'm not too worried about that, she's too lazy to even attempt it. I am sick and tired of having to be responisble for her laziness, immiturity, and just flat out inconsiderate stupidity and her lacking in simple responsibility of self. Wow, I feel like a mother. (And from this point forward, I will have empathy for my mother until something screws that up.)
NOBODY should have to have to be toiletless becasue someone is too lazy and inconsiderate to twist and unlock a doorknob. Good thing I won't have to be anymore.

I am so unhappy.

2010-05-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

The anxiety is killing me.

Goddamn foolery.

2010-04-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while, but I found myself suddenly struck with the urge to write. (Although I'm sure the only people who actually read this are my aunt Susie, and maybe, just maybe, my mother.) Nothing much has been going on lately; since I've last written I've gotten my permit, gone though a semester of prison...I mean school...and my hair may have grown a little. Actually, I've gone through more than that--I've decided to stop being a vegeterian(I'll get to that later) and have made contact with my father's side of the family via party. This party was about a month ago, the day before Spring Break. My aunt from Boston was hosting a party with all of her old friends at my Grandma's (also being my Dad's...and his step brother's) house. I was talked into going by Jorge and my mom, and in the back of my mind I thought it would be a good idea to try to connect again. (Pssst! Press play on the youtube thing below. I can't wait for that album!) Going into this head on, I knew it would involve a large amount of awkward moments, shame, and many small panic attacks. My past with this side of the family is messy, as most know, and I feel horribly guilty for shutting myself off from them for five years. I don't know why but when I was younger, being with them, in their world, for just a few days would make me cringe in my skin and leave me depressed. They're not horrible, they've done nothing technically wrong, but what they have done is shoved me against my will into a world I find unbearably uncomfortable. It doesn't sound too horrible, but it definately messed with my security in myself and the world, possibly turning me into this wonderful depressed wreck I am today.
Jorge attended this fiasco with me; which made it significantly less awkward. I don't think I could have gone without him. Upon arival, I recieved many blank stares; I awknowleged a few people and they just stood and stared. As the evening went on, I became able to make a normal conversation without my mind freezing up.
Every year, my grandparents plan some extravagant vacation; Disneyworld, Hawaii, that sort of thing. The whole family goes. While at this party, this year's vacation was brought up with Jorge and I. They explained that they were going to go to Colarado for two weeks, and "WE could choose the days WE wanted to go, and WE could fly out and join them whenever WE wanted." Now, I may have made some mistake seeing as I am socially incapable, but I assumed that, as they were speaking to our faces, the "WE" was Jorge and I. I gave this trip some serious consideration for a few weeks. I was reluctant to go to that party, and somehow I survived so maybe a vacation on my terms, with Jorge wouldn't be so bad. Jorge and I began planning around our summer schedule. Before we got too far ahead with our planning I called my grandmother to confirm the dates. Over the phone I said, "At the party I was under the impression that Jorge could come to." I didn't tell her we were coming for sure, I just said we were looking into it.
And this was the response; "Wellll, it's a family thing." .....its a family thing? Not even a real "no".
Sitting in the aftermath, at first I was humiliated, thinking I misunderstood or got something mixed up in my twisted thoughts. As I thought about it more, I replayed the conversations at the party in my head and couldn't find a flaw in my reason for thinking. Then the anger set in. It was a trick. A low, sly, trick. Just like them, I should have known. They haven't seen me since I was 11 (I'll be 16 in 3 months) and they expect me, ME, alone, by myself, to go and spend a week with the whole damn family? You have got to be kidding. No way in hell would I do that. Granted, they don't know me well, but how could you expect that of anyone? For someone to throw themselves out there with people they ran away from absolutly alone with no support or anyone to find comfort in? Sitting here thinking, I just keep getting angrier. A flat out Tatman scheme, and it took me this long to realize it.
I feel horrible writing about this, I'm not confrontational, but holy shit.
I gave them too much credit; I gave my relationship with them a new, fair chance. And then they pull this. Maybe I'm crazy, but it seems pretty fucking clear to me.
THIS uncomfort is what I ran from. There is absolutly no way I'm about to go back.

We owe it to ourselves to try, so we aim & ignite

2009-08-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

All the things you could ever wish to know about me.

What is more difficult for you; looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
Neither is difficult really. I'm all about emotional support and evolution.

Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
Today when my mom unnecessarily freaked out at me because I was CLEANING MY ROOM.

You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
Tough one. It depends, am I alone on this flight? Probably Jorge or my mom.

You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a)Not EVERYONE, just the people it would affect.
b)LIVE OUTRAGEOUSLY. Do absolutly anything and everything without thinking about it.
c)Well honestly, kinda. At this point in my life, I'm pretty scared about the afterlife thing, if it involves religion. I don't particularly want to be burning in a hell I never believed in.

You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.
Love. Trust can be earned, and achieved. Love is just love.

You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Save the dog! Screw my boss. I'm not going to let an animal suffer and die right in front of me just because I might lose my job. I would take it as a sign from the universe that it just wasn't the job for me ;)

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Everywhere, not just one place. EVERYWHERE, and see EVERYTHING.

Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
I've never lost anyone that I was really really close to me.

Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Definatly not. I'm not social, so I cant be brought around your new friends without some sort of embarassing awkwardness. I'm there in a crisis, but other than that I need lots and lots and lots of space, and theres nothing I hate more than unwanted social obligations. Which, may be why I have very few close friends.

Your best friend dies, what would you do?
I would be left with absolutly no will to live. I'd die too.

When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt? when was it? during the day? how was it?
Today, I told my mom I felt like shit because I ran out of my depression medicine yesterday and didn't take it. Um, it was fine? It's always kind of relieving and satisfying to share your shitty feelings with another. *makes a face*

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
That I do not love them back. I don't understand why people find it hard to say "I love you." I really don't get it, SPREAD THE LOVE.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
The future I have in my mind.
Thats why I'm not going to give up.

Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Huh, good question.

If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had “no regrets” what would it be?
I really don't know, I don't want to change anything, everything got me to where I am now...which isn't great but it's better than where I have been. I can't answer this.

Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
Ghostbusters! I'd probably freak out and call the police.

Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Of course! What a stupid question, what person with a heart would let a person of any sort die right in front of their face.

Are you old fashioned?
Not in my beliefs. I HATE the words "appropriate/inappropriate" and "acceptable/unacceptable." They usually refer to old-fasioned social expectations and silly ideas of how to live. I HATE THOSE WORDS SO MUCH.
It's like right and wrong, who the hell gets to decide these stupid judgements.

Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?
To have never loved before.

If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish?
Oh boy :) I would move out RIGHT NOW. And start my own life, and never have to hear about right, wrong, acceptable, appropriate...ever again. I would live my life the way I want to, and I would have my future the way I want it without any complications.

What is the most annoying habit that your girlfriend/boyfriend has?
Taking himself too seriously and not realizing how great he is, and taking the world too seriously and not realizing what a shit hole it is.

Have you ever not made it to the bathroom in time and had an "accident?"
I don't know, probably in the midst of my pottytraining?

What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
Eh, just awkward little things here and there. I like to think I'm immune to embarassment

Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Never ever.

What is the strangest dream you've ever had?
All of my lesbian dreams are pretty out there.

If you could make anyone in the room your servant for the day, who would it be and what would you make them do?
Nobodys in the room with me...

If you could be born again would choose to be a different sex to what you are?
No, I like being a girl.

What is the stupidest thing you've done because someone dared you to?
I don't know. I haven't played truth or dare since I was like 10. And I'm usually the one doing the daring.

What's the worst thing about being your gender?
Periods, childbirth, powerful emotions, hormones, standards, blah blah blah.

Do you think you're a good judge of character?
I think I'm an EXCELENT judge of character.

What talent do you wish you'd been born with?
I don't know, just some designated talent. I'm sort of all over the place.

How did you rebel as a child?
Screaming and being sassy and doing as I pleased.

What did you hide from your parents?
My own hair that I cut, and anything else I wanted hidden.

Are you the same person you were as a child, or much different?
Pretty much the same. Just a little wierder.

Talk about a time when you got into trouble at school.
8th grade, fish-face Solis. I made his class ultimately difficult and I think I was held after class every single day. I would often lead people in screwing with his head too. At one point he would keep putting me in this damn desk in front of the class and make me stare at the wall. I always got kicked out in the hallway then had a sterm "squating fish-face" talking-to.

Do you consider your childhood a happy one?
Definatly not.

What is your saddest memory?
I have many many many.

Do you believe in soul mates?
I like to.

Do you believe you found your soul mate?
I do :) I really do.

Which was the last restaurant you went to?
On the Border

Is there a secret you've never told anyone?
Nope :) Jorge knows ALL.

Do you like yourself?
Without interferences.

Have you ever dyed your hair?
Purple

Are you an emotional person?
I don't know anymore. Yes, I suppose.

What's something that can always make you feel better?
Jorge and I being together.

Did your parents spoil you as a child?
No.

And do adults just learn to play the most rediculous, repulsive games; My hatred for Normalism.

2009-08-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

I spend most of my time feeling frusterated and anxious and never knowing why. I think of myself as quite a pacifist so I've been thinking that maybe I bottle up all of my anger causing myself to rot from the inside out. I have no problem reacting to anyone in my family if they piss me off, but otherwise I usually ignore anything and everything that bothers me to avoid more social awkwardness than I already have. I also think that the world is, in nice words, a big shit hole, so I find it useless to let any little thing weigh too much on my mind, causing me to feel neutral about small details, making me a very emotionally numb person. As many opinions as I seem to have about anything, I make most of them up just to be able to HAVE an opinion. In reality, I really couldn't care any less about 95% of the world.
Anybody who knows me knows that I'm weird. When I grow up, I WILL have a clothesline and a pet pig/llama/cow etc. and everything I have "control" (notice it's in quotes; no matter how much you would like to/think you do, you will NEVER control another living thing completely, especially a person.) of will have total freedom. Living things need freedom. Real freedom; a personal freedom that comes with personal consequences and is not, under any circumstances, interfered with. I decided I hated people a long time ago, but I really can't stand "normalists." Normalists are moral rule followers, and I believe there are more of these types of people than any other in the world. Normalism is like a culture or a lifestyle....or a cult. Normalists have normal, steady jobs, and normal families; ones where childen are inferior and expected to grow in the direction of their parent's normalist wishes, and get good grades (for their normalist job, of course, which will be needed for their normalist purchases and normalist lifestyle) and have normalist friends and have a perfectly planned normalist future. I HATE NORMALISM. I want to actually live life, one big adventure, full of traveling and REAL learning and experiences, and strange or different ways of living, full of struggles and feelings. Normalists harshly judge anything that is different than their lame normalist ways. Life should be LIVED. I've decided that it's not bottled up anger or depression thats making me feel trapped in a life I don't want to live. It's because I'm litterally trapped in the boring, oppressing, understimulating, normalist life, and I'm too young and restricted to do anything about it. I want and need to live somewhat on the edge. (not ON the edge like some brainless daredevil which I certainly am not, but somewhere where I could have a nice view of it.) I don't want to be a normalist trapped in pathetic guidelines and "right & wrong" rules and life boundaries that you don't set for yourself. Normalism is a disease, and I've decided it's my main reason for hating the world-It's polluted with normalism bullshit.

By the way, you know that hope; it makes us strange.

2009-07-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

First real blog of summer. I've spent close to every single day with Jorge, going the same places over and over, and somehow we still haven't gotten bored with each other. So here's whats up-
New things:
1. Last month, Jorge and I adopted 2 hermit crabs named Obie and Smooch Galman. They are joint-custody crabs meaning we switch off each week. I love our crabs, and I love sharing them with my best friend.
2. Kellan started walking. In a way it's really cute, he's so proud of himself and wobbles around the house now, but in another way, it's really sad. A year ago he was a little bity baby and couldn't even crawl or talk. Now when he wants me he yells "Aaaaaa!"

Best laugh Of course spending everyday with Jorge, there have been plently of funny moments, but the best happened last week when he was eating dinner with my family. My dad was sitting in the living room, my mom was standing at the sink, and Jorge was sitting on one of the bar stools, right in the middle. My mom, making something to eat asked my Dad "Do you want some honey?" and Jorge being right in the middle thought she was talking to him so he said "No thank you, I'm good."
Very awkward, but very funny :)

Stupidest Thing This is possibly one of the dumbest things I have ever decided to do. My birthday is tomorrow so I thought it would be fun to buy fake glue-on nails at the store. 2 nights ago I glued them one, only to have them easily peel off the next morning. So I saved them and decided to reapply them closer to my birthday. Today I tried again, and very carefully glued each nail to my short, bitten nails. After a few hours I notcied that they looked horrible and were beginning to crack from more than one use. So I tried removing them, but this time they didn't easily peel off. I soaked them in acetone, like the instructions said, and most of them came off ok, except my left pointer finger. Apparenly that nail was already too short, and I accidentally glued the fake nail onto the skin around my real nail. Trying to take it off resulted in lots of pain, some bleeding, some throbbing, and major panic and discomfort. I got most of the fake nail off except the area glued to my real nail and the skin around it. Just so I don't have to look at it, it's covered with at least 4 bandaids....bandaids make everything better. I bought those stupid things against my better judgement, and never will I make such a purchase again.

Today, July 11, is mine and Jorge's 6 month anniversary :)

Pictures

Smooch & Obie <3 (Obie on the right, Smooch on the left)

Amazing music

2009-06-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

As you all should know, I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE music. (But NOT mainstream crap, mostly indie stuff.) I love songs that tell a story, and I'm sure that metaphorically most do, but when it's all literal like a story you would tell in real life it's amazing.
I came across this song yeaterday and I think it's extremely clever and I love it :) (In order to hear it, scroll down to the bottom of my page and pause my playlist, then click on the play button on the video)

Last day of school

2009-06-05T20:52:00.000-07:00

Last day of 9th grade. I'm SO happy it's over. Today was pretty boring, it began with taking Paige and Jorge to school, getting coffee, and having my purse frisked once we got to school -_- 2 lame exams, then the school year ended with a fire drill. And not an alarm fire drill; a fire drill in which each classroom was individually dismissed by the principal. Jorge came home with me and we hung out all afternoon swimming and picnicing :) Last weekend we made matching tshirts (only to compliment our matching sunglasses) to wear today, not only did we feel childishly cute but we got quite a few compliments :)

Updates & Things I've realized

2009-05-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

Updates

School
One more week. This has been the worst year in the history of my school experiences, and I'm more than thrilled to watch it go. I am mostly caught up and confident in all classes besides english and biology. English because my teacher is a little wack (telling kids that we should just go kill ourselves, and that she hopes bricks will fall from the ceiling onto our faces. She also never specifies what assignments are actually counted as a grade, causing confusion.) And biology, because I refused to dissect a rat which pissed my teacher off. Fine by me, I refuse to cut open and tear apart an innocent animal that was killed for juvenile scientific purposes, and also smells like sanitary murder. (A large number of these rats were pregnant, and my teacher took the fetuses and proudly displayed them all squished up in a petri dish.) I hate my school with a passion, and am very thankful I'm halfway through it. I plan on graduating early, hopefully in 2011, so I can get out of the house and start my own life. This plan isn't going as straight forward as I would have hoped because I'm confused on the requirements and deadlines and my counselor is very vague about the whole thing.

Family
So Maddie, my sister who is THREE years younger than me, constantly steals my underwear. This absolutly disgusts me and angers me beyond belief when I don't have enough clean underwear. I believe that personal underwear is a human right, and one in which I am deprived of. She also steals anything else she wants, including shirts, shoes, and even jeans. (Thank god I have bigger boobs, so I can at least keep my bras to myself.) I am very possesive, so this does not go over well with me. And if she'd just ask, I might consider letting her borrow something, but finding my planned outfit on our bathroom floor, dirty, after just having washed it for myself the next day is untolerably unpleasant. And my parents do absolutly nothing to stop this, in fact they have told me that I shall soon be recieving my 6th grade sister's hand-me-downs. In defense, I said that her style is completely different than mine, in which they replied that my style is different than hers and she gets my hand-me-downs. Now people, remember she is THREE YEARS YOUNGER. Why would I want to go fashionably backwards? To her, recieving my hand-me-downs is going forwards. And hell, she doesen't even wait for me to outgrow them, she takes them NOW! So when my wardrobe suddenly consists of all Aeropostal, Limited Too, and Justice clothes, blame my parents. Even if they're clothes I bought with my own money that I earned, she steals it, and my parents don't do anything about it. This has been going on for years. Need birthday ideas? Get me underwear that has my name printed ALL over it. This probably wouldn't stop the underwear monster, but it's worth a try. I should invent smart underwear- panties that shock if not worn by their owner. I'll be a millionare, just watch.

Friends
If you read my latest blog, it was about my parents and their excessive camping. Hannah saved me and let me stay with her for 5 days last week, for which I will be eternally greatful. I love Hannah and her family and it was the most fun I've had in a while and a lovely get-away.
And my ferocious buddy Paige hurt her arm in a vicious shark wrestling match. She won ;)

Jorge<3
This week we had two consecutive drama-less happy days which is a big deal for us. Not that we're not always happy, but there are usually brief mood-swings involved. We both are like pregnant women on their periods (I know, not possible, but just imagine the hormones.) and putting us together can get quite pathetically dramatic. It's been 4 and a half months, and this guy still has the ability to make me giggly and happy and be my best friend at the same time. I still sit in class, anxious for the bell to ring just so I can run to see him for a few minutes. I absolutly love this kid<3<3<3 I believe his family is beginning to really accept me which makes me extremely pleased. We also have new matching sunglasses which make us feel cute when worn together :)

Music
I was SUPPOSED to go to a Fun & Manchester Orchestra concert on Wednesday. I have been looking forward to this for MONTHS. Let me explain; last summer I discovered the most fantastic and musically talented band EVER, called The Format. I listened to them all last summer, learning every single lyric to every single song, causing them to become the soundtrack to my life. Nate Ruess is unbelievably talented, and I know for a fact I am his biggest fan :) Anyways, The Format broke up (quite a while ago) and Nate Ruess created a new band, by the name of Fun. Fun doesn't even have an album out yet, just some demos. (although they promised they would by Spring 2009, and I am unpatiently waiting.) and they are unknown to most of humanity, which makes me love them even more. Theres NOTHING better than a genius undiscovered indie band. Manchester Orchestra is also extraordinary, and also pretty unknown. I was stupid and didn't try to get tickets until the last minute, and they were sold out :(
I could have been in the same room with, and breathing the same air as my musical hero, but no, it was sold out. An undiscovered concert with two undiscovered bands got sold out. How this happened is beyound me. In my life, I have owned three band tee shirts; Joan Jett (I'm not a fan, I just saw her live and a t-shirt seemed like a good idea at the time.) The Format, and Fun. I usually try to wear one of the last two on this list at least once a week, but not this week; it was too sad. So at this moment, my Fun shirt sits clean, in my drawer, unworn. Tragic. Oh, and, I'm quitting orchestra next year, due to Mr. Planks, possibly the most insensitive jerk of a power-whore I have ever had the pleasure of encountering. Want me to elaborate? Just ask for the story, its a good one. I've always said I would stay in orchestra through highschool, but this has gone down the drain. I won't stop playing the violin though, I still love it. The Bird and The Bee and Gus Garcia are my newest favorite bands (out of the millions of favorites) and Christofer Drew is a total butthole. I always loved nevershoutnever UNTIL Mr.Drew started writing blogs and I realized what a douchebag he really is. Definatly not someone worth my admiration or time. My opinions were proved correct last weekend at Plane Centre, when Christofer lost his temper, cussed the crowd out while giving them the bird and picked up and threw a speaker. His myspace headline is "I'm no role model; all I want to show is love." Damn straight, he's no role model. And cussing out your fans and throwing large objects isn't what I would describe as love. Also on his page, "
I am Christofer Drew. I love you!" but then in his blog, " For any girl who thinks they are in love with me. You aren't. You don't know me, and if you did you probably wouldn't like me as much." and then "I really do love my fans. Without them I wouldn't have the confidence that I do. All my life I have had very low self-esteem and been depressed most of the time. All those encouraging words really do pick me up and make my day better." SO, we can't love him because we don't know him? But he can love us, yet he doesen't know us? Hypocrite.
I understand he has his fans with an everlasting unconditional love for him, but please, don't get sucked in with his catchy music.

Things I've recently realized
1. I want to live in a town identical to Stars Hollow when I grow up. With all the same characters, and I want to be Lorelai Gilmore. Actually, I would be fine with being either of the main characters, and I would do anyting to have thier lives even though it's fictional.
2. Speaking of which, after watching almost the entire 1st season of Gilmore Girls today, I've decided that I want blue eyes and dark hair. Blue contacts are easy, but I'm not brave enough to dye my hair. I also love Rory's wardrobe.
3. I'm extremely amused with witty, lengthy, or movie refernced comebacks and/or rants.
4. Life is all about figuring out who you are. I don't know how to do this, I feel very lost within myself sometimes. I think at my age, you are figuruing out how to live; this is discovered by religious rules, strict and brainwashing upbringings, or your own opinions on how life should be lived. I'm more than opposed to religion, I'm not easily brainwashed, and I have hardly any idea about what I want to do with my life.
5. Depression medicine doesen't do anything, I think it's just one big scheme. Months later, and I don't feel any better; if anything worse. As the doctor described it "it feels like a dark well that you've fallen so deep into and can't get out." Right on the dot. I can't tell you that I'm happy, because I'm not. I'm happy with certain things, and with certain people, but as a whole I'm not a happy person. I spend most of my time feeling sad, tired and anxious, and theres nothing anyone can do about it. Many people think *I* have the power to change this, or think positive, or find things that make me happy, or something like that- but thats like being able to fly out of this well, it doesen't work like that. You have to slowly and carefully climb your way out, or be rescued. A little understanding is nice though, and I don't feel like I have this, especially from my family.
6. Rhapsody sucks, I should go back to Limewire. But it's illegal and virus-causing so I continue falling deeper and deeper into debt with my parents.
7. I really REALLY need a haircut. I haven't even trimmed my hair since 8th grade, it's horrible. Jorge and I had a deal that if he didn't cut his hair I wouldn't cut mine. Last week he got a trim, entitling me to one too. Definatly up their on the to-do list.
8. My house doesn't have tape.
9. Nutella is my comfort food. I can make myself sick with it easily.
10. I think stopping writing in a diary was really bad idea. It left me with way too much built up thoughts and mental energy which definatly doesen't help me alredy existing anxiety issues.

Excessive Camping

2009-05-20T15:53:00.000-07:00

I think that this blog is quicky becoming only an outlet for negative energy and complaints, I apologize, judge all you want, but you're choosing to read it.
I have discovered the #1 way to torture your teenager; family camping trips. FREQUENT family camping trips, made possible year-round with a trailor.
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I can't think of anything more unappealing or boring than sitting in front of a fire for five days, staring at some trees, and engaging in awkward small-talkish conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love nature. And I don't really mind my family that much. And fire is great. But all of these to an extent, 5 days exceeding that extent terribly. We're all crammed in a tiny space, with no personal space, bad hygene, and everything smells like smoke. I need my own space, and a lot of it, as well as freedom. Kidnapping me and dragging me into the middle of the woods to survive quality family time for about 120 hours is not freedom. I can't see my boyfriend, I can't do what I want; and what I can do is limited. I have no alternatives to this problem that just keeps popping up (4th time since March!) So this week I'm missing a day and a half of school (the last day until dead week) so I can go endure camping. >:(
I don't feel like writing any more, basically I HATE CAMPING.

"I'm going to be gone on Friday, I'm going camping."
"AGAIN?!?" <--- this is everybodys response.

Especially Sassy Blog.

2009-05-05T19:06:00.001-07:00

Blog #2
I hate families. In my experiences, there are more bad times than good, and the amount of rediculous unfairness that goes on is more than enough to make me want to exclude myself from all "community efforts." I feel as if I am targeted because I'm the left out kid with my step dad. My brothers are his real sons, and he's been a father-figure to my sister since she was 2. I'm sassy, but not a bad kid. And most of the time, my sassiness can be easily avoided; not by you doing what I want, but by being genuinely nice and/or friendly about suggesting any reasonable thing you want me to do. I am more than happy to take care of myself, clean up after myself (although my room is a bad example of this, I can when I want to, and if that was my only responsibility then I would probably do that...and still, I do when I get sick of it myself.) and be in complete control of myself (which I am, regardless of what the parental units may believe, but I get really tired of fighting for my individuality all the time.) This whole childhood thing is a waste of a person's life and I'm counting down the days until I'm free from it. In about 3 years, 39 months, 1,170 days, I will not have a dishwasher OR a dryer. If you doubt this, I am willing to sign a contract, or whatever will convince you that I am serious. Everyone will wash their own dishes unless they're feeling particularly generous and willingly decide to do others. And there will be a washing machine, but also a clothesline in which one would be expected to hang all their own clothes on, if they want dry clothes. (If my parents would allow me to set up a clothesline in my backyard, I would be thrilled to have this alternative, I hate waiting on the dryer or being forced to fold other people's clothes.) Maybe I'm a complete bitch for having this point of view, but I don't even feel like I have the mental energy to be alive, much less clean up after other people.
And as far as living in my house and having the "benefits", this is not my fault. (And benefits including internet connection, which I am awaiting the departure of any second now.) First of all, childbirth is definatly to blame; I didn't ask to be here, and actually I would prefer otherwise, as I say almost daily. Followed by society, which I blame for eveything. If the world would give teenagers more credit, we could take care of ourselves; not all of us are capable, but some. Me, I believe, included. I would rather live in a cave in the middle of nowhere with my fellow teeange companions, with my little clotheline, dishwasher and family free. (I am making it sound like I really hate my family, which I don't necessarily, I don't mind doing favors, I just don't like slave labor covered up with the claim that I have to contribute to this "community" I somehow was brought into. I will contribute for myself, if I cook, I'll clean up, if I dry laundry, I'll fold it, if I make a mess on the table, I'll wipe it up - which I always do because it drives me nuts. Stuff like that.) And if we are being forced to contribute, I think allowance is only fair.
Point is, I hate contributing to an organization that I'm not even willingly a part of.

2009-05-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned on #2 of things that drive me completely insane, sexually active teenagers.
Personally, I have decided to remain abstinent because I think that emotionally it is so much to handle, and it is something you can never take back and I try my hardest to live without regrets. Since highschool I've had people ask me questions about if I have or haven't had sex, and more often than not, when I say I haven't I become pushed out of the conversation and girls start talking to me like I'm years younger than and inferior to them. It makes me feel entirely awkard, and like I'm the only one not doing it.
Today after school I was walking down the hall with my boyfriend and a bunch of girls passed us, bouncy and obviously hyper and full of energy. One of them said, "You two look so cute together" and right as I was responding with "Thank you", she blurted out, "Have you had sex yet?" and continued with "You should, sex is great, sex is love." This girl is a complete stranger and within a few seconds she was already questioning our intimacy. Not only do I find this rude, invasive, but also disturbing. Why are these girls so concearned with it? It really does not make you more grown-up, especially because of the way they handle it, and it really does not do anything but complicate relationships and provide risks. In my opinion, sex should be something between two people, not something to do and go tell the world about, like theres a line in highschool between virgins and nonvirgins. And since my boyfriend and I have been dating for a while and we spend a huge majority of our lives together, people assume things about us that aren't true. I find this topic very annoying, and I am sick of being approached about this.

2009-05-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

FIRST BLOG.

I think I should start with introducing you to my beliefs.

* I believe that religion is unbelievable. I can't stand when I'm looked down upon for not going to church, or when people take every chance they get to shove their religion down your throat. I believe that God can only be found within yourself, not through others, and not through church. If you find God on your own as opposed to brainwash, I believe you have truly found him. Also, I believe that it's good for people to believe in anything they possibly want. It makes life less scary. So on a normal day, I probably won't sit there and bash your religious views, as silly as I may find them to be.

* I believe that all people are created equal. Accomplishments or social standings, or even wisdom don't make you "superior" to someone; but I believe the kind of person you, your intentions, and your peace with the world are what measures superiority.

* I believe there is no such thing as right or wrong. There is such thing as cause and effect, but society (I also blame religion) has created right and wrong rules. We're here to live. Not to live perfectly, and not to live by the way someone else wants you to. As long as it doesn't hurt another person, I don't see it as wrong.

Things that drive me completely insane:

1. Being scolded outside of my immediate family. I feel guilty and awkward for days, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I think this is one of the things that keeps me from doing a lot of "wrong" things.

2. Sexually active teenagers, ESPECIALLY the ones who brag about it. There have been several incidents this year where girls will ask me questions about my virginity then talk down to me like I'm a relationship amature. I can't think of many things that make me more irritated.

3. When my parent's disconnect the internet, just for the pleasure of control. This happens to me every night, around 9 or 10, regardless of my daily schedule and how much time I may have actually spent on the internet.

4. Mainstream music. Anything on Kiss FM, and at the moment 3oh!3